Pass the Mommy Guilt, Please

I have always been grateful to my mom that she kept such a great baby book of my childhood, which I have enjoyed reading periodically.  I wanted to give my children the same lasting memory of the timeline of their accomplishments as infants, toddlers and young children.  I had a baby book, bought and ready to be written in as soon as my first son was born (and I did keep up with keeping track of his likes/dislikes, sleeping patterns, etc).  My second son came along, and I was able to get a book for him before he turned two months old.  I was pretty impressed with myself, yet wasn’t as regimented at writing things down, and as time drew on, I began to make up some dates of accomplishments up (be sure not to tell him).  I had a good idea of how old he was when he slept through the night for the first time, so I just picked a date in that month. 

The mommy guilt surely crept on in when my daughter was born.  I didn’t purchase a book for her until she was almost 6 months old, hadn’t written down one milestone, and just felt awful as a mom.  The more time drew on, the more overwhelming a task it became.  I’m sorry to say that to this day, the book I bought for her has not even been written in (she is 18 months old).  Guilt, guilt, guilt!

I was sharing the level of guilt I had with a few friends about six months ago.  I, happily, learned that most of my friends, who have had more than one child, have had the same experience.  One friend said that she emails herself different milestones her children have made and, when she has time (who has time?) she is going to complete some type of memory book for her children.  Another mom shared that she writes everything down on the calendar hanging on the fridge, and has the same intention of preparing a book sometime in the future. 

I learned two very important lessons from my guilt disclosure with my friends.  The mommy guilt never goes away, but there is solace in knowing that it’s okay not to be “Super Mom.”  It’s comforting to hear others experience the same feelings that I have.  I also learned there are “tricks” that every mom has, to eventually accomplish the goals we set out to do.  Sharing our experiences and feelings can bring peace-of-mind that we are not the only ones feeling a certain way, but just one mom in this community of amazing moms!

Sincerely,

From the Stork’s Nest~

Rebecca

Playground Lessons

A few days ago I took my children to the playground near my house.  I have to be honest, I was worried.  It would be the first time I took my three-year-old son and 18-month-old daughter to the playground together, alone without my husband.  Or my mom.  Or anyone else coming along for the trip with the soul purpose of lending me a helping hand with the kids.  Could I do it?  What if they took off in different directions?  What if I lost sight of someone?  What if…what if…?

As I ran with my daughter in my arms in an effort to keep up with my galloping son who saw the jungle gym in the distance and shrieked in pure delight, I thought…this is never going to work. 

But once we started playing, I quickly noticed something pretty amazing happening around me.  The park was full of kids and their parents, grandparents, babysitters and other caretakers yet everyone was looking out for each other.  When one dad’s voice called out for his son with a slight shakiness as if to say, “Ut-oh, I think I lost him,” a grandmother from the other side of the jungle gym cried out, “I see his feet coming through the covered slide…I got him!”  When a little girl fell down and scraped her knee, another parent on the other side of the slide walked over to the girl’s mom and offered her brand new tube of Neosporin.  This type of looking out for each other happened the entire time we were there.  Was this for real?  Or, was I on candid camera?  The sense of community was almost too unbelievable to, well, believe. 

It got me thinking: Why is it we can watch over each other at the local playground but not in our every day life?  As we walked back to the car, I silently vowed to be more aware of the way I act towards other caretakers.  We’ve all been in the grocery store when a parent is struggling with their child or at the toy store when a caretaker may not be screaming they lost their child, but they have that panic look across their face and you know something is not right.  Or, in the mall when a child finishes his snacks and begins screaming as his mom desperately tries to find another goodie in her bag when we ourselves have a full box of cheerios in our purse.  Somehow along the way our society moved to an individualist one where it’s considered “rude” to put our noses in someone else's business.  That day on the playground taught me when it comes to parenting, it does take a village.   There’s nothing wrong with offering another caretaker a hand because the truth is we never know when we are going to need that hand in return…whether on or off the playground.

Sincerely,

From the Stork’s Nest~

Liz

Growing Up

My first-born began Kindergarten last week.  He was really looking forward to it, which thrilled my husband and me.  The day before his first day, we did many special things as a family to celebrate his last day before starting Kindergarten.  He awoke on the first day of school, got himself dressed in the clothes we had laid out the night before, brushed his teeth, got his shoes on and poured himself some cereal, all before 7:00 am!

As we pulled up to school, he had about a 10 second hesitation period, but I quickly told him he would have a great day, and I would be back before he knew it.  The teacher then whisked him away quickly, which was helpful avoiding any kind of episode.

As I watched him run (he actually ran into school), Mommy waterworks started.  I couldn’t believe that just 5 ½ years ago, he made me a Mommy, the most cherished role in my life to date.  I remember when he was an infant, so many people told me to remember and enjoy him, as children grow up so quickly.  Of course I have enjoyed each minute (minus the temper tantrums and newly budding independent attitude he can hand out occasionally), but I guess I didn’t heed their words about children growing up quickly. 

I was feeling a bit down after his first day (although his report of the day was GREAT!) when thinking of holding him as a baby, teaching him how to walk, talk, socialize with friends, and all the other treasured memories. 

I, then, began to think of the things that are so cool about having a five-year-old son.  He can carry on an awesome conversation, is starting to have his own opinions about things, has a great sense of humor, can accomplish something he set out to do and be proud of himself, be independent (as he demonstrated on the first day of school morning), and so many other things.  After thinking of my little baby boy in these different ways, it really helped me get as excited about him growing up as he is.

Sometimes, we all need to re-focus our thoughts in a different direction; if we don’t sometimes we become so busy dwelling on what isn’t that we miss what is.

Sincerely,

From the Stork’s Nest~

Rebecca

A Loving Letter to Myself

A Loving Letter to Myself

…A Letter to Moms Everywhere 

Sincerely, From the Stork’s Nest~ Liz 

Dear “Me,”

Motherhood is the most wonderful, yet periodically overwhelming, job in the world.  It does not come with a manual or instruction booklet.  In an effort to be kind to myself as I navigate through what is best for my family and me, I will consider the following: 

  I will not try to be Wonder Woman.  Wonder Woman was a cartoon character and I am a real woman.  It is impossible for me to do every thing, every day.

  I will be easier on myself.  When things do not go as planned, I will not issue blame and not beat myself up about it.

  I will forgive myself for not being perfect because the reality is that no one is perfect.

  I will stop comparing myself to my friends and others I meet.  I will remember we are all individuals.  I will remember that just because someone looks “pulled together” on the outside does not mean that they are.

  I will give myself credit for doing the hardest job on the planet and for making the best decisions I can make in the moment.

  I will recognize my strengths and give myself praise.

  When I feel overwhelmed, I will take a deep breath and silently ask myself, “Will this matter a year from now?”

  I will ask for help when I need it.  I will remember there is more strength and power in asking for help than suffering in silence.

With Love,

Me

Do you need help? Stork Support, LLC provides home-based emotional support, short-term counseling and resources to pregnant women and parents after they deliver or adopt a baby.  Stork Support assists parents and families as they adjust to having a new baby and eliminates the stress of having to leave the house with baby in tow or having to arrange childcare, while getting the support of experienced, licensed professionals.  Experts in recognizing Postpartum Depression, Stork Support teaches parents about the symptoms of which to be aware while also providing assessment and short-term counseling.  Stork Support, LLC was created by Liz Bland, MSW, LSW, C-ACYFSW and Rebecca Colonna, MSW, LSW.  For more information about Stork Support, LLC please visit www.storksupport.com and on facebook at www.facebook.com/storksupportllc.